So much of what I’ve read through the course of my life has lead me to here.
I’ve seen and experienced snippets of who I am to be, but just haven’t arrived as of yet.
Roller coaster is a term that could be used as it seems to be what I am on, emotionally. There is a war raging within. Old Blue is hanging on to what was always and has never been under any threat of real change. Old Blue is strong and stubborn. Miserable, cranky and full of tricks, but ME & subby got us a new blue and we’re in this thing for the duration. True change may be slow at first, but as we’ve experience those snippets, we have the knowledge and the memory of what it IS being a newer blue.
A small example that happened this week. I was wanting to edit a document that I had scanned from a hard copy on to a USB key or a stick as I like to call them. When I opened the document after downloading it to my laptop, I discovered that the doc. was a PDF. Without getting into the everything I tried and the people I asked for help, when I was informed that the doc. was scanned on a machine that did not have CRS, no, not can’t remember shit, but Character Recognition Software, I was relived and vindicated. Vindicated because I was feeling that I was at fault and that I was incapable and so on and so on… So, when I became aware of CRS I googled CRS and voila, I was able and not at fault and edited the document. I learned that scanners with out CRS produce a picture of what is scanned.
I did learn something about me too. I learned that I am stubborn ( I’ve been told this, but…) and that ME & subby armed with new blue can be all that I am meant to be.
So can you.